In this email:

1. A few thought on workplace dynamics, and a free download!
2. ND-positive kids summer camps ebook
3. Free workshop next week!
4. 4 video shorts
5. Recent popular Tweet
6. Teen anti-anxiety class
7. Offering from a colleague
8. Feature article: On Trying To Say Just The Right Thing

Hi Reader,

A company recently interviewed me for Autism Awareness + Acceptance Month, about how to support their Autistic team members.

I get questions on this topic all the time, mostly from frustrated Autistics who are struggling in the workplace.

Though I've been wanting to directly address these issues for some time, there's both so much I want to say that my Autistic thoroughness sometimes tricks me into thinking that I have to address all of the issues, and that's another huge project I don't have time to take on right now.

But I want to, because I get that struggle. Sometimes in past jobs I was floundering as much as the people coming to me now.

Well, I solved most of the issue by working for myself. But I do still interact with others on a daily basis: clients, colleagues, my small team, people who reach out to me (like this company's DEIB ambassador), and others. But I don't seem to have the same issues now that I used to.

I attribute much of that to learning healthier communication patterns, and another huge chunk to healing my old wounds so I'm not reacting from trauma responses as much.

So I've been thinking about this more ever since the company asked me to do their event, and I self-coached enough to be able to offer some advice and leaving out others, even though it's not everything there is to say.

In the process, I put together a tip sheet for them with only five (of the many possible) ways to get along well with Autistic co-workers.

And I'm happy to gift you a copy of it as well, for free:
​https://www.autismchrysalis.com/free/#gettingalongwithcoworkers​

I'm also putting together another tip sheet of suggested accommodations for Autistics in the workplace. If you have some ideas, please reply to this email and let me know.

Of course, as I was doing this, one research link led to another (you know how that goes), and I stumbled upon an interesting explanation for that situation where you make a reasonable request and are accused of being rude, or someone else gives you a vague answer ("maybe I can come, I'll have to check my schedule") and you never hear from them again, or you follow up and they get irritated. Ugh. I hate that.

Here's a 2007 web comment that opened my eyes to what's going on. The author called it Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture:

​https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421​

And here's a fuller explanation of it:

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I mean, of course I knew about these dynamics, but it somehow surprised me to see it laid out in this way and named. So helpful!

I've added those links, and a couple others, to the employment support section of my Links Galore page on my website.
​https://www.autismchrysalis.com/links/#employmentsupport​

This was timely for me, as I was also just writing about that history of misunderstandings and how it has affected me. You can read more on that in my article below, about trying to say just the right thing.

Wishing you a neurowonderful day,
Heather

P.S. If you're interested in very mild, gentle sensory prompts delivered to you by email daily, check out Sensory Moments.

Autism-Friendly Camps Guide

How To Pick Neurodivergent-Affirming Camps Your Kid Will Love

How can you tell if a summer camp, or after school activity, or therapist, is actually accepting and affirming of your kid's (or your own) neurodiversity, or if they're just using the latest buzz words?

It's hard!

That's why I put together this guide, on how to screen out, reject, and identify autism- and ND-affirming programs.

This isn't just for summer camps. The principles here apply to any and every kind of activity, after school program, treatment, therapeutic provider, caretaker for hire, event, group, etc.

In fact, I've been using these principles for several years to pick out groups that I want to be a part of, and people I want to work with.

It's really about how to tell if someone or some group is actually accepting or if they just say that they are.

26 pages
​Dozens of hours saved
$15

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Free Public Workshop Next Week

What to Expect
in the Later Identified Autism Journey

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Everyone’s journey after figuring out you're Autistic is unique, and yet there are some fairly consistent patterns I’ve identified in the people I’ve worked with, and talked to, and that I see people writing about online. It’s the same patterns and stages that I went through in my own journey, even though I didn’t know it until much later.

In this workshop, I’ll describe the five stages that people go through, and what to expect in each stage. What type of personal growth people typically go through, the types of social and relationship dynamics that come up, what key questions or issues need to be resolved, how long that stage usually takes, and what can block you from moving on to the next stage, and some practical tips for each phase of the unfolding Journey.

Tuesday, May 14th
12 PM PT - 3 PM ET - 8 PM BST

4 Video Shorts

Transcripts are in the video descriptions.
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​If you’re avoiding something​

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​Making changes is not a clear path​

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​Autistic masking is a verb​

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​Lies I’m letting go of ​

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Recent Popular Tweet​
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Heather Cook 🦓🖖Autistic Life Coach @hmm_cook I used to need 2 to 3 days to recover from most social events. Now it's usually about a day. Now that my background stress level is lower, I'm not as constantly drained, and my recovery time has gone down. #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #AuDHD #Neurospicy #Energy 9:7 AM • May 1, 2024 2 Retweets 33 Likes Read 1 replies

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Teen Anti-Anxiety Class

Now on-demand

My 5 star anti-anxiety class for teens is back in an asynchronous, self-paced version. Now teens can take the class on demand, at their on pace, and still have me available for questions when desired.

The live version of this class has a 4.9 star total rating (14 5-stars, and 1 4-star), and this pre-recorded version so far has 2 5-star ratings (out of 2 ratings). Over 120 teens have taken the class! From parents:

"Ms. Heather packed a ton into this three-class course, and the strategies she offered are fantastic. My son always enjoys her classes, and we highly recommend her as a teacher."

"The techniques that my daughter learned in Ms. Cook's class with the anti-anxiety practices are very helpful to her with her OCD and extreme anxiety. She really enjoyed the class and seemed to get a lot out of it."

Learn how to deal with everyday anxiety in ways friendly to our neurodivergent brains!

Use code HEATHERC20 to get $20 OFF your kid's first class! (Good for any class!)

Offering from a Colleague

The Compassion Course Online
The Art & Science of Getting Along

I've done this online, email-based course for three years in a row, and get more out of it every time.

It's about how to understand what it is you really need and the difference between deep, underlying needs and how we try to go about getting those needs met, which is sometimes counterproductive.

After understanding your own needs better, it's easier to understand other peoples needs, and to recognize what's going on in conversations in real time.

I found this very helpful in my own process of learning healthier communication skills, and highly recommend the course! There's also now a book with the entire content all at once.

Starts June 19, 2024

It's available and 16 languages besides English.

There's a regular fee, a sliding scale fee, and an alternative contribution option.

On Trying To Say
Just The Right Thing

​Read this on my website here​

I’ve been thinking about my own relationship with perfectionism, and how I put a lot of effort into trying to say just the right thing. Into phrasing something in just the right way to avoid any possible misunderstanding, and how much of my time that takes up.

And yet, I don’t think it’s perfectionism in the way that some people describe it. Maybe I’m getting hung up on the word “perfect” (ironically), because I don’t actually feel like I need things to be perfect, or “just right”, or “this way only.” It’s more of a feeling that if I don’t say exactly what I mean, people will misunderstand me, and therefore they won’t get anything out of it.

So I’ll rewrite articles, edit endlessly, or redo videos over and over until I’m saying exactly what I intend to say, in just the way that I intend to say it. Often with many explanations, and caveats, and cautions of “don’t take it like this”, because my fear isn’t that it’s not good enough, it’s that it won’t get across what I’m actually intending and therefore no one will get anything out of it at all. It will be entirely useless and then all of that effort will have gone to waste.

That fear is almost all dirty pain, by the way. It’s based in real misunderstandings that I’ve had, but adding much more meaning onto it than necessary. I know intellectually that it’s not, in fact, true that no one will get anything out of it ever if I don’t say perfectly what I intend. That’s the part that’s dirty pain.

That fear has been relaxing over time, especially in the last year or so, and I’ve been gradually getting more comfortable with letting things be not exactly the way I intend. Letting them into the world even when they don’t perfectly (oop, there’s that word again) capture my meaning. (But even with that semantic slip, “perfect” is not how I typically define what I’m talking about.)

I’ve been posting videos that aren’t polished and pretty. I’ve been publishing articles that are only around 90% of the way that I want them, and it’s been scary to do that. Yet I’m still getting good comments. I’m still getting people saying that it was very helpful and that they got something out of it, and that’s calming the part of me that is deeply afraid that nothing will work at all unless it’s fully expressing my intended meaning.

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Being misunderstood

Because here’s the thing, when I was growing up I was misunderstood a lot, and I tried to compensate for that by assuming that it was my fault for not explaining myself well.

When I laid out what seemed to me to be a logical explanation, I couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t get on board with it, so I generally assumed I simply didn’t explain myself well enough and that’s why they weren’t in agreement. I didn’t understand that the emotional complexities and subconscious decision-making that drive people’s behaviors have nothing to do with logic.

(I also vastly overestimated how much of my own actions were purely logical, but that’s a topic for another post.)

Because I was so often misunderstood, my default strategy was to explain myself better. That became my go-to defense mechanism for a lot of things in life; explain myself better and find a way to say it just right. If I could just get the right combination of words, in the right order, it would make everything better. I understand now that it doesn’t work that way, but a part of me still believes that it should and keeps trying to get the words just right in order to feel safe; safe letting that article go, safe putting that video into the world, safe being around other people, safe existing.

Over the last year, I’ve noticed people keep telling me, usually unsolicited, that they’re getting a lot out of the content I’m putting out there. Even when it’s not “just right”, even when it’s not perfect, even if it’s not exactly how I intended to put something out there: people are still finding it useful. And that’s when I talk to that younger, misunderstood part of me, and reassure her that she’s doing a better job now at being understood, advocating for herself, and explaining things.

Which is true. I am so much better at communicating now than I ever have been. So that younger part of me is beginning to trust me more and more, trust that it’ll be okay, trust that it doesn’t have to be just right, and that lets me put out more content that actually helps people (like this imperfect piece, for example), rather than getting stuck on perfecting just a few items.

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About Heather
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Hi, I’m Heather. I’m Autistic, ADHD, disabled, and building a life I love.

I coach Autistic and other neurodivergent humans on creating their own neurowonderful lives.

Want personalized support in making your life more autism-friendly? See if 1:1 coaching is a good fit for you.
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